Second-year student Charlie Gillian contracted COVID-19 in Central Grounds Garage last Wednesday while fulfilling his duty to complete mandatory weekly prevalence testing to see if he has contracted COVID-19. He has since been quarantining in his apartment.
“I guess I’m not surprised that I got it in Central Grounds Garage. I mean, the higher up you go, the more vulnerable you are. That’s why you have to wear a mask on planes, and if you’re smart, you’ll wear two or three,” Gillian surmised.
“That third floor is pretty risky if you ask me. It’s so high up, so volatile.”
A solitary and fearful student, Gillian stated that completing the mandatory testing is the only time he ever actually leaves his apartment.
“Because coronavirus is so deadly, especially for a young person like me, I take it upon myself to stay in my room all day so I don’t infect other people. I even wear a mask or two to bed just in case I become contagious while I sleep,” he boasted. He did not offer an explanation about becoming spontaneously contagious.
Gillian, who described himself as “impressionable” and “free-spirited,” immediately began double-masking when Dr. Anthony Fauci recommended it in early February. In March, he began triple-masking.
“I just really trust the guy, you know? Everything he’s said makes sense. You’d have to be a conservative sheep to question his authority,” he explained. “I just believe [in] the science. I’m just that kind [of] guy.”
“But I take it one step further by wearing three, yes, three masks,” he gloated.
“I sometimes strip down to two when I’m alone in my room, but I’ve been going strong on three since midterms. To me, more science equals more safety.”
However, last Wednesday when Gillian contracted the virus while completing his mandatory prevalence test, he claims he was not wearing his usual three masks.
“I was really in a rush, honestly. I’d run out of fresh masks the night before and Amazon said my next shipment was delayed, so I took the risk and decided to rough it with two. I thought I had hidden a third one in my pillow for emergencies like this, but then I remembered I’d used it last week when I was making dinner in my kitchen and my roommate was watching TV, maskless, in the living room. There’s no ‘I’ in safety.”
His fear that the University Administration would put a hex on him if he missed his weekly testing appointment prompted Gillian’s decision to leave his apartment with only two masks.
“A friend of mine told me over Zoom that [the Administration] can curse you if you don’t go, I think she called it a hex. Since she’s a bio major, she definitely knows the science more than I do, so I trust her.”
When asked what he will do when he is officially out of quarantine, Gillian stated that he will start wearing four masks, even when sleeping, which will amount to a 300 dollar expense for a year’s supply with Amazon Prime benefits.
“Safety is no expense to me. Whatever I can do to keep others safe is okay on my watch. I’m just thankful I can do my part to help crush the curve.”
Gillian’s roommate declined to comment on the current developments but could be heard screaming into his pillow as correspondents for The Tommyknocker quickly left the residence.
This story comes as the Chinese Communist Party identifies Fort Detrick and Central Grounds Garage ‘ground zero’ for the origin of COVID-19