The constant cacophony of clattering, drilling, and shouting emanating from UVA’s various construction sites has come to characterize what it means to be a Wahoo. With several projects dangerously near completion, including the renovation of Alderman Library and the construction of the anxiously awaited Contemplative Commons, UVA has announced its plan to further expand its Grounds in order to be more accessible to all, and also because who doesn’t love seeing a giant yellow excavator everywhere you turn?
“I really can’t imagine what UVA would be like without construction sites everywhere you turn,” one second-year College student said. “I love seeing that massive crane over Jefferson Park Avenue every day. To me, it symbolizes advancement and progress.” Another student agreed, saying, “I think New Cabell looks better with that massive tarp-covered barrier in front of the doors. It adds some character to the Lawn area – it was looking a little bland before.”
To quell students’ fears that the construction may be coming to an end, the University will be constructing several new buildings around Grounds. In response to overwhelming demand, a new wing of the Student Health and Wellness Center will be added specifically for the distribution of contraceptives, since these resources and related programs currently comprise 90% of the Student Health Center’s budget. UVA will also be renovating Clemons Library immediately following the completion of Alderman, with the purpose of converting Clem 4 into a nap center for the dozens of students who spend all night asleep there anyway.
The Rotunda will also undergo an extensive renovation in order to modernize its outdated structure. “Sure, it’s pretty, but the Pantheon is basically irrelevant now anyway,” says the current director of the Rotunda. “If we want to turn Charlottesville into the next great metropolis, what we need is an update.” Current plans for the renovation include razing the current Rotunda and replacing it with a forty-one-story skyscraper. The current statue of Jefferson in front of the Rotunda will be used as the spire.
However, not all of the new plans are renovations. Madison Bowl, which is of course only used for rugby matches, has been reclaimed by the University as the perfect place to construct a rage room. This multi-million dollar building will have three stories of 20,000 square feet chock-full of items to destroy, in hopes of providing students with a more destructive means of venting their frustrations toward the patriarchy, Mr. Jefferson, and “Life is Good” written in chalk on the sidewalk.
On an unrelated note, UVA’s cost of attendance is expected to increase by an average of $20,000 per student for the 2024-2025 academic year.
The new constructions are expected to be completed by the spring semester of 2049.
The opinions expressed within this piece represent the views of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Jefferson Independent.
“I read it out loud and gave different voices. An entertaining 3 minute read”
-A random Redditor
This was hilarious. Keep up the satire!