Step by Step Instructions – But for UVA Students

As we have all seen over the past few days, President’ Joe Biden was recently caught with an embarrassingly specific set of instructions before some event or another. I do not know what the event was, who was there, or if the picture is even real, but it reminded me of a list I saw not long ago. 

When I was a senior in high school attending days on the lawn, I knew that college was going to be quite the adjustment just from walking around. Luckily, at orientation I was given quite specific instructions on how to fit in at Jefferson’s University (am I allowed to call it that?). Here they are, listed below. 

1. YOU get irrationally and unauthentically mad every time someone calls it “campus” instead of “grounds”
2. YOU insist that the squirrels at this school are special, and different from other schools’ squirrels 
3. YOU swear that you were going to be an Econ major all along when you get rejected from Comm
4. YOU go on and on about how Greek life is not just “paying for friends” 
5. YOU say “piggy backing off of that” in discussion sections
6. YOU complain about UVA sports as you watch from your couch
7. YOU pay $400 extra per month for rent because it is 5 minutes closer to the corner 
8. YOU overrate Bodo’s because everyone says it’s amazing even though it’s literally just a bagel place
9. YOU sneak into dining halls through the back door after first year 
10. YOU go to the gym everyday the first week of the semester and then never again the following 13 weeks 
11. YOU have two finals, one on the first day and one on the last day, so then you’re just left with this awkward 9 day gap where you end up questioning your entire existence 
12. YOU get irrationally (irrationally?) upset when your IM team does not win the championship 
13. YOU order 105 Elevate swipes, only to spend 95 of them at the same place (can Asado add back tacos please?)
14. YOU have an existential crisis once every two weeks where you reconsider your major, University, life goals, friend group, favorite sports team, and preferred thermostat temperature, only for it to all be okay 20 minutes later 
15. YOU overthink which location to use for Instagram posts, “UVA” or “Charlottesville”? 
16. YOU are asked to join 12 different Christian worship groups in your first 168 hours 
17. YOU try to be discreet when taking a picture of the Rotunda on a sunny day because for whatever reason it is so embarrassing 
18. YOU wear khaki shorts and polos on the first day of first year only to be wearing sweatpants and slides by the last day 
19. YOU buy a MacBook before first year so you can text in class only to realize a few years later that no one outside of college uses MacBooks and that it was a horrible decision (that you would undoubtedly, 100%, without question, make again) 
20. YOU buy a Vineyard Vines shirt before before coming to UVA because it is “so UVA” but then are too embarrassed to wear it because it is “too UVA”
21. YOU buy brand new sparkling white Converse that you swear to keep clean and then ruin them within the first two weekends
22. YOU enter countless houses and apartments without knocking, which is illegal back home but, but here it almost seems like knocking is rude?  
23. YOU kinda lowkey wish you were from out of state because everyone who is out of state seems cooler than people from in state (am I the only one who thinks this?)
24. YOU trip up the stairs along the lawn because you wear flip flops to class and that is not socially acceptable classroom attire so you really had it coming the whole time 

YOU will hate it. YOU will love it. And YOU can do it. Go get ‘em squad, it’s our last year. 😎.

The opinions expressed within this piece represent the views of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Jefferson Independent.