Motivated by Putin’s historical justification for the invasion of Ukraine, the state of Virginia consumed 45 of the 50 states this Saturday, and has invaded large swaths of Canada and Mexico. During his interview with Tucker Carlson, President Putin expressed support for Virginia to exert its historical claims based on a 1609 charter (shown below).
“King George and his associates did it in the sloppiest way in relation to Virginia – by dividing, tearing from her pieces of her own historical territory,” he said.
Nations around the world expressed strong support for a restoration of Virginia’s historical borders. Mongolia was outspoken in its support of Virginia, and has laid claim to most of Asia, Europe (including Russia), and the Middle East. Italians have pressed their own claims to Western Europe, England, and the areas surrounding the Mediterranean. Taiwan has taken control of the rebellious mainland. Spain is expected to attempt to take back its former colonial territories in the coming days.
President Joe Biden stepped down in favor of Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin after Putin’s statement. “I mean, Putin’s got a point, Virginia was that big in 1609,” Biden said in his post-abdication speech. The Capital has been moved from D.C. to Richmond, and the construction of the Governor’s new Blue, Orange, and White House has begun. The bald eagle has been replaced with the Cavalier, and Bodo’s Bagels branches will be mandated to be on every street corner in the state.
In his first interview as the head of the Greater Virginia History Institute, Clay Matthews expressed his fervent desire to press Virginia’s claims to the rest of North America, “We have claims! You can’t ignore our claims! History!” and followed it with the poignant “Is this mic off? That sounded believable right? I can’t believe people buy this crap.” Diplomatic delegations from England and the Cherokee Nation have arrived in Richmond, but they have been refused a meeting.
UVA followed the news by opening new branches around the country, such as UVA New York, UVA Austin, and UVA Princeton. President Jim Ryan followed these additions by abolishing the idea of the “out-of-state” student. Students around the country will now be mandated by law to start their days by singing “The Good Old Song,” and will be required to make a pilgrimage to UVA’s main campus to streak the lawn in order to graduate. The NCAA has announced that this year’s March Madness Tournament will feature only UVA, Virginia Tech, VCU, and JMU. Next year’s CFB Championship will feature UVA Ann Arbor playing against Virginia Tech Tuscaloosa.
Borders around the world are still in flux after Putin’s statements. Russia has still been unable to make any progress against the forces of Ukraine, which has made credible claims on Russia in turn. Putin has refused to accede to the many claims made on Russian territory by Germany, Sweden, Norway, Poland, Ukraine, and Mongolia. All these claims will be made irrelevant when Virginia asserts its rightful manifest destiny. UVA will hopefully open branches in London, Shanghai, and Bukhara while the whole world learns to sing Wahoowa together.
The opinions expressed within this piece represent the views of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Jefferson Independent.
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