On Friday, the University of Virginia released early action admission decisions for the class of 2026. With a strikingly low acceptance rate of just 16% for out-of-state students, the University welcomed students from across the country. An interview with an accepted student from Illinois revealed the trick to get in: simply hate UVA, and they will welcome you with open arms.
The new student went into detail about her application in an interview with UVA Today. As an 18-year-old white female who identifies as a purple male helicopter, she commented on her experience with adversity: “I never had it easy growing up. Both my parents went to Ivy Leagues and each make six figures, but I identify as a first generation, gender fluid student navigating a capitalist world, where even academia is openly bigoted. Society truly hates me, and it’s difficult to put into words the kind of challenges I face every day, but I believe my acceptance is proof of my hard work. It feels good to be a Hoo! I can’t wait to write profanities on my dorm room door and scream at white professors as a coping mechanism for being oppressed.” She did not submit her SAT or ACT scores, citing the clear racism of objective paper tests.
When asked about her essay topics, she revealed her bold approach. “In response to each essay question, I simply wrote F UVA. It is important for the University to know that it is founded on racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, and genderphobic principles. I felt that was best expressed by my essay responses.” She also explained that she feels it would be best if the University is eventually bulldozed since it is on stolen land— that way all other students can be deprived of a place to learn so that they acknowledge their biases.
President Ryan also commented on the student’s application, saying: “I was personally involved in this student’s admittance process. I felt that her true hatred for this University was a monumental selling point for her application, and I look forward to hearing her commentary on the ways in which UVA limits students. If it were up to me, UVA would actually pay her to attend.” It is not currently clear if the University will be prizing her with a full-ride Jefferson Scholarship, as she is not fond of the name of the grant and refused to take part in it unless they agreed to change it for her.
The student was also accepted to Harvard, Yale, Wesleyan, Middlebury, and Colgate, but felt UVA was the right choice because the administration was more willing to listen to her demands and responded rather favorably to her essay. She was promised a Lawn room with space to display her commentary and spread her disgust for the Rotunda. She is intending on majoring in gender studies and minoring in helicopter safe spaces.
Classic. I thoroughly enjoyed that, Aly.
Aly, this is a classic. Send it to The Babylon Bee. You will have an assured job upon graduation!
Very clever. I hope you’re a Jefferson Scholar — you deserve to be.
This is “belly laughing” funny! Good job.