“The first rule of an investment is don’t lose. And the second rule of an investment is don’t forget the first rule. And that’s all the rules there are.” -Warren Buffett
The global economy is a beast of a system. Commerce, finance, industry, and public policy criss-cross one another endlessly, each affecting the others in sometimes inexplicable ways. How is a young potential capitalist to know what to do? In the past, young fortune-seeking investors have turned to Wall Street legends like Benjamin Graham, John Bogle, and Warren Buffet to guide their portfolios. Traditional wisdom holds that the most reliable way to make money is to invest it in American and global market indexes. As long as the economy continues to grow, these investments will generate returns.
But the 2020s are different. Once-reliable investments have become shaky. In the last few weeks alone, the total value of the stock market has risen and tumbled haphazardly, following the sudden implementations and revocations of the current administration’s unpredictable tariff policy. From April 2 to April 8, share price of the New York Stock Exchange composite took a nosedive, losing over $2,000 in value in six days. President Trump’s sudden threats to fire Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell have alienated leaders in business and Wall Street. Across the internet, economists and social media burner accounts alike whisper the word “recession.” Some commentators even predict that the USA’s economic hegemony is ending. No matter what happens, it is clear that the financial paradigm is shifting. The old wisdom no longer holds, and a new world is struggling to be born. Many investors are bound to be left behind.
Fortunately for you, dear reader, The Jefferson Independent’s crack team of economists and financial experts have been hard at work, day in and day out, to find a more reliable investment alternative. Many “alternative” investors have taken to buying cryptocurrency, NFTs, gold, real estate, real estate in the Metaverse, and even government bonds. But here, we want to think bigger. That’s why I’ve personally slept at the office every night for the last two weeks alongside a handful of my colleagues, crunching numbers and running algorithmic models, looking for a guaranteed way to get rich quick.
Our findings have been nothing short of groundbreaking. If you’re an investor looking to build any sort of future for you and your children, you only have one real option: Withdraw your money from the stock market. Withdraw your money from the banks. Forget about your retirement accounts. And start sports betting.
We have found that, in 2025, money placed in Fanduel accounts has consistently outperformed equivalent sums invested into the S&P 500. I have an acquaintance, whose anonymity I will protect, who made $1400 betting on Florida to win in March Madness last month. Imagine if, instead, he had given his initial bet to a so-called “portfolio manager” to invest into the supposed “stock market.” He would’ve lost hundreds!
Take a stroll up Rugby Road and you’ll find winners like him left and right. Students who have rebuked the talking heads of CNBC and apparent “experts” of the Wall Street Journal to forge their own financial path. Gentlemen and scholars who are making fortunes on college baseball, the NHL, the WNBA, the ATP tour, you name it. The crooked left might say that this behavior is “irresponsible,” or that “online gambling is a public health crisis,” or even that “I’m leaving you and taking the kids if you don’t get your addiction under control. You’ve been tearing our family apart and I can’t go on like this,” but what these moralistic wokescolds fail to understand is that it’s only gambling if you lose. If you win, you’re simply participating in “highly speculative investing.” That sounds a little classier, doesn’t it? At least you’re not trading options.
Last week, I had the opportunity to interview an anonymous third-year student who made a whopping $5,000 betting on Rory McIlroy to win the Masters. On his methodology for correctly predicting the winner, he said this:
“Bro… like… it was really tough, because you gotta love Bryson. Man of the people, and like… just imagine what it would do for the game of golf if he got a green jacket. Plus he’s an American and you know I gotta root for my boys… But Rory is just a dog, dude, he looked like a wizard out there last weekend. You know I had to ride with the OG.”
Picking the right winners isn’t always easy, but it can get you far. “You can’t think about these things too hard, you just gotta feel it down there,” he said, gesturing. It is so beautiful to see the fruits of a UVA education in action:
“Yeah, I guess I’ve been betting since high school. My boy from Moondance put me onto one of his hometown bookies back in the day, and you know it was wraps from there… I was able to cop these new Costas with the bag Rory won me, so I appreciate that. You’ve gotta spend money to make money, you know, no pain no gain. It’s all about risks. Obviously I was betting with the “emergencies only” credit card my parents gave me, so I guess there wasn’t that much risk, but still… Do they care? I mean they don’t really check the account balance, but I’m gonna be an intern at Dad’s company this summer anyway, so I figure that about evens things out.”
Inspirational!
However, the world of sports betting isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, as our interviewee was quick to explain. He told us tales of “his boy from home” who got dangerously in debt to a sketchy “under-the-table book” as he constantly lost money betting on Lithuanian cricket matches. After stalling on his payments for months, a man who called himself “Big Tony” made a house call and threatened to “teach him a lesson he’d never forget” if he didn’t pay up. Two weeks later, the boy disappeared. He was never found.
“I mean, like, you never think something like that could happen where you live, but I guess Sea Island just isn’t as safe as it used to be,” the third-year commented.
Through the old grapevine, The Jefferson Independent has even heard tell of a student-wide NBA playoffs bracket pool, the grand prize of which is rumored to have reached 6 figures. Our reporters have found no hard evidence of this pool existing, but there has definitely seemed to be more tension in the evening air on the Corner lately. If it were real, (which it isn’t), we would recommend that anyone interested send $200 on Venmo to @[REDACTED] to enter. Run the decision by your CPA if you somehow feel uncertain, but any professional would surely concur with our advice (if the pool were real, which, of course, it likely isn’t).
It is impossible to understate how important the advice you are reading right now is. This ain’t your grandpa’s economy. You can focus on “long-term sustainable growth” all you want, but these days, it’s not going to get you very far. Investing is no longer about betting against the market, or betting on the market. It’s about betting on LeBron. So what are you waiting for? Fortune favors the bold.
The opinions expressed within this piece represent the views of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Jefferson Independent.
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