Taylor Swift once said “I used to have this dark fear that if I ever were truly happy and free, being myself and nurtured by a relationship, what happens if the writing just dries up?” Unfortunately for Taylor, it did. Taylor’s twelfth studio album, The Life of a Showgirl proves to be her worst to date. Lifeless instrumentals combined with lyrics that sound straight from ChatGPT leaves every song decent at best and horrendous at worst.
The album starts on a high note with one of three redeemable songs on the album, “The Fate of Ophelia.” Taylor reflects on her relationship with her new fiance, Travis Kelce, appreciating his presence and comparing her life without him as similar to Ophelia, a Shakespearean character from the play Hamlet. The story of Ophelia goes that she was in love with Hamlet, however, after Hamlet rejects her, and ends up killing her father, Ophelia tragically dies. The comparison seems slightly dramatic but what’s art without a little hyperbole? The song is fine; the instrumentals are bouncy and the chorus melody is catchy. Unfortunately, this is our pinnacle.
The next song on the album, “Elizabeth Taylor,” reflects the problems with the remaining songs: it’s painfully boring. The lyrics are frustrating, constantly singing about how lonely she was without Kelce, and how much she hates being a billionaire: poor Taylor. “Babe, I would trade the Cartier for someone to trust” and others like it plague the album throughout. However, corny lyrics are arguably not the worst part of this album. My biggest gripe is with the instrumentals and melodies. Sounding straight from a Target ad, this pop album had zero vibrance. If you’re going to have terrible lyrics, at least make songs that groove. For some reason, when she started dating Kelce, she lost all of the aspects of her previous albums that made them Grammy-worthy.
“Opalite” and “Father Figure” follow. Similarly to The Life of a Showgirl, these songs actually introduce some boppy musicality, something I wish was universal in the album. “Opalite” tells a story of Taylor and Kelce dancing through a thunderstorm, the song actually doing a fair job of reflecting the theme. “Father Figure” takes the perspective of her record label, taking advantage of young Taylor. A solid concept for a song, but the lyrics really take this one out. The chorus, which repeats three times, has the line “I can make deals with the devil because my dick’s bigger,” upon hearing I couldn’t help but laugh. For some reason, I find the emotions of predation and sorrow are lost when Taylor mentions a big dick.
“Eldest Daughter “ is by far the most egregious song on this album. The instrumentals feature a soft piano chord progression, usually indicative of a ballad or some sort of deep, personal song. This tone is immediately thrown out the window when Taylor starts using words like “punk,” “trolling,” and “memes.” For someone who seems to take themselves really seriously, the song reads like it was written by a twelve year old. Complete nonsense lines like “Everyone’s unbothered until they’re not” are present throughout. The cherry on top from the tortured poet is the start of the chorus, playing “But I’m not a bad bitch, and this isn’t savage.” I can’t tell if she was going for some tone juxtaposition here with the soft piano in the background of this nightmare, but if she was, she was not as clever as she thought.
“Ruin The Friendship,” “Actually Romantic,” “Wish List,” and “Wood” continue this train wreck. “Ruin The Friendship” contains the unintentionally horrific line, “And it was not an invitation, should’ve kissed you anyway,” a line so startling and creepy, I almost spit out my drink on first listen. “Actually Romantic” is a tone deaf nightmare. On Charlie XCX’s summer sensation brat, she talks about how she always feels insecure when seeing Taylor because she worries she’ll never live up to her success, to which Taylor responds with a song commenting on how Charlie is a coke-addicted, obsessed, freak…nice one Taylor. “Wish List” is more complaints about how rich she is, and “Wood” is a love song to Travis Kelce’s manhood. I’m annoyed even just recapping this headache of an album.
The album ends on a high note with “CANCELLED!,” “Honey,” and the title track, “The Life of a Showgirl.” “CANCELLED” was the last decent song on the album, with instrumentals akin to her hit album Reputation. However, the lyrics didn’t really make any sense, as Taylor is one of the most popular artists on the planet; since she was in the spotlight, I don’t think her or any of her close friends have been remotely close to being “cancelled.” “Honey” is fine, a pretty forgettable song about how Kelce changed the meaning of honey for her from condescending to endearing. “The Life of A Showgirl” incorporates the fabulous Sabrina Carpenter, and does close to nothing with her, using her as background layering for most of the song.
The Life of A Showgirl might be a sign of what’s to come for Taylor. After 12 albums, it’s evident she’s on a massive downhill slide. From the poetry of Red to the exciting tracks of Reputation, Taylor had phenomenal albums in her past, however, it seems she’s lost her spark. The Life of A Showgirl was forgettable, and when it wasn’t, it usually wasn’t in a good way. Unfortunately, it may be time for the queen of pop to finally set down the microphone.
Final Rating: 3.1/10, a bad album.
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