We have a new president this year, so many changes have been enacted in the federal government. I believe these changes indicate a larger country-wide movement towards efficiency.
After reforming the Obama-original US Digital Service, the newly christened Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has committed to eliminating wasteful spending, fraudulent actions, and abusive actors within the federal government. Elon Musk, who now heads the department (don’t worry about how or why), originally pledged to cut $2 trillion. As of the end of April, DOGE has successfully eliminated $160 billion in perceived waste, fraud, or abuse. Despite 100+ hour workweeks from his teenage workforce, they’re still coming up short. But rest assured that “Big Balls” and the other DOGE interns are working tirelessly to deliver for Trump, Musk, and all Americans!
So, in the same spirit of government-wide efficiency, we need to make some changes in our local communities. This will improve our lives and curry favor with our supreme overlords. Lucky for us at UVA, we can get ahead of the curb by enacting these reforms just in time for graduation. Introducing: DUVAE—the Department of UVA Efficiency.
First and foremost, we need to use more artificial intelligence. One of DOGE’s major goals in the federal government has been to automate basic actions and decisions—especially the ones that involve “thinking.”
Think about how many speeches are delivered each year at colleges and universities across America… too many. Just load past speeches into ChatGPT, ask it to toss in a few jokes, tug on the heartstrings a little, and boom—no need to pay a speechwriter!
When families arrive on Ground for graduation weekend, they’ll inevitably ask for a tour. But let’s be real: UVA tour guides are too human, too messy, too complicated… too authentic. Instead, we’ll offer an easily accessible self-guided tour to be released on Spotify (not Apple Music).
The script will include language and topics deemed “politically appropriate” given data on non-controversial words and ideas and be approved by the DUVAE Content Neutrality Board, using words deemed politically non-threatening by a bipartisan panel of mid-level HR managers. Among the restricted terms: man, woman, faith, patriotic, DEI, Jefferson, Trump, Harris, and protest.
Now, let’s talk money. In order to usher in a new era of trusted commerce, DUVAE is mandating Dogecoin as the official currency of Grounds. Starting with the UVA Bookstore, all payments made during graduation weekend will be made in Dogecoin. This not only modernizes our local economy but also ensures that fraud is eliminated—because, as we all know, crypto is famously secure and literally everyone understands how it works.
Finally, the big moment: walking the Lawn. Instead, the Lawn will walk you. Thanks to kinetic turf tech from the E-School, each student will stand still on their designated launch square and be elegantly glided across the Lawn, arriving at the stage in half the time. Smooth and solar-powered — just as Elon likes it.
Now, what to do with all that saved time? Don’t worry—we’ve thought of that too. After receiving their QR code diploma and shaking hands with a hologram of Jim Ryan, each graduate will receive a short, AI-generated video of their favorite professor whispering “You’re different from the others.” It’s just enough validation to keep your imposter syndrome quiet until your first big presentation at work.
Congratulations to the class of 2025. You are the future, and the future is bright, optimized, and rid of waste, fraud, and abuse. Or it better be, for your federal funding’s sake.
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