With the release of UVA’s Annual Fire Safety and Security Report, we are once again burdened with tragic news: for the fourth consecutive year under President Biden’s administration, candles remain banned from dorms. Now, some of you might be thinking, “…how does that even correlate?” or perhaps, “I’m okay with not burning down the dorm, thanks.” But let’s look at the facts. Candles are responsible for a mere 4% of reported home fires. So, what’s the deal? Is this truly about fire safety, or is it just another liberal plot to snuff out our freedoms, one scented wax stick at a time?
The UVA Fire Safety office, for some mysterious reason (read: liberal agenda), declined my request for an interview—proving, yet again, that liberals will even trample on their own right to free speech. Undeterred, we turned to the real experts: the student body. We conducted a highly scientific survey, boasting a sample size of a whopping 13 people. This survey spanned from first-years to graduate students and represented over five different schools on Grounds.
The results were shocking. A staggering 100% of students were aware of the medieval, fascist decree that bans candles in dorms. Even more impressive, 50% of these brave souls admitted to harboring these illegal flames anyway. When asked if they thought this draconian policy was a Democratic or Republican initiative, a decisive 91.7% confirmed it was undeniably a liberal plot.
When asked if they felt personally oppressed by this liberal candle-ban, a modest 69.2% of students said they didn’t. However, despite this apparent indifference, a staggering 84.6% admitted they would gladly attend a guillotine-style execution of a Fire Safety Office member on the Lawn, charged with spreading anti-candle rhetoric.
Of the small group unwilling to attend the candle-related execution, 66.7% admitted they’d be more inclined to go if free t-shirts were handed out. Priorities, right? When asked what actions they’d take if someone actually tried to confiscate their candles, responses were… illuminating:
- “Be sad, probably.”
- “I’d be upset—some candles are expensive!”
- “None, because I don’t have any.”
- “Horrific, unspeakable things.”
During in-person interviews, it became clear that the silent majority of pro-candlers were willing to share their strong beliefs—anonymously, of course:
- “I’d like to see them try.”
- “My Candles, My Choice.”
- “If they come for my candles, they better bring a warrant.”
- “I’d sooner burn the dorm down myself than give up my candles.”
If the majority of students are willing to metaphorically drag someone to the guillotine over candles, the next logical question is: what can we do about it? The answer is simple—nothing sways policy quite like voting. So, consider this your reminder to vote in the upcoming election. In fact, 61.5% of students agree they’d be more likely to vote for a presidential candidate who promised to lift the oppressive candle ban.
So the question now remains: how do we get our candle-crisis plea to former President Trump? Will he rise to the occasion and guarantee his constituents the right to bear candles? Could this be the spark that reignites his path to victory in Virginia? One thing’s for sure: if there’s anyone who knows how to fire things up, it’s him. If candles are the battleground, the war for freedom is just getting lit.
DISCLAIMER: In all seriousness, candles may set the mood, but they can also set your dorm on fire. A little flicker of flame may seem harmless, but it only takes one careless moment to transform “relaxing ambiance” into “emergency response.” Remember: candles burn slow, disaster moves fast—don’t keep candles in your dorm! And thank you to the Fire Safety Office for keeping us alive with their guidelines.
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